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Why I don't fear zombies

You may be surprised to learn the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has devoted a section of its website to preparing for a zombie apocalypse. What a shovel-load of nonsense. The real threats to mankind are the drooling, lurching restaurant fanatics who suspend all reason in their relentless march toward whatever’s on their to-die-for list. Consider, for instance, these developments of the past week:

  • When Dominique Ansel Bakery temporarily doubled its limit on Cronuts to four per customer, the CBS radio station in New York reported the policy change as one of the day’s top news stories. Just to review the Bakery’s guidelines for customers: The line for Cronuts begins forming several hours before the establishment opens at 8 a.m. Any one there by 6 has a good chance of paying $5 per Cronut for their allotment (normally two per patron) of the 100 croissant/donut hybrids that are baked daily.
  • The Patina Group’s newest restaurant, Ray’s & Stark Bar in Los Angeles, features 45 pages of water choices. The establishment brags in a press release that the roster is the most extensive water list in Los Angeles, with selections that include a $12 tasting menu. Don’t worry if you don’t know your Fiji from the house brand, Beverly Hills 9OH2O. Tasting notes are included for each option. The prices range from $8 to $16 per bottle.
  • Zombies' hunger for human flesh is nothing compared to the casual-dining customer's love of chicken wings. That desire tends to bid up a restaurateur's cost while seriously depleting supplies of the bar staple. Chains have tried such alternatives as "boneless wings" (actually, pieces of breast meat,) tofu versions and turkey wings, sometimes marketed as ribs. But fanatics still stagger forward, arms thrust outward, teeth chomping, demanding their blue cheese and Buffalo spicing. They're insatiable. Now comes a stab at a bird of a different feather. Brick House Tavern, a self-described chain of "man caves," is serving duck wings as a limited time offer.  Fortunately for the sports-bar concept, the introduction came a week before McDonald’s confirmed that it’s rolling chicken wings systemwide. That’ll likely mean fewer wings available, at a higher cost.

If science could develop a 10-winged chicken, some kind of Franken-bird, casual chains might end their quest for alternatives to the pair that currently comes off the bird. But in the meantime, they’ll continue to deal with a different type of scary being. 

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