Loyal readers may recall the two hypothetical restaurant chains that have appeared here from time to time to illustrate the swing-and-a-miss of an operation that can’t be bothered with trends. I’m sad to report that Romeo’s House of Fruit Leather and Romeo’s Trout Palace are both about to serve a final imaginary meal, victims of their menus never quite capturing the irresistability of boba or pumpkin spice anything.
The upside is that Romeo Enterprises can now plant a flag in a new field of opportunity. The whiteboard and markers stand ready for the crucial part of the mission.
You see, famous concept creators like Rich Melman or Sam Fox get hung up on piffling matters like operations or profitability; they can burn days at a time on incidentals like food quality. I got to where I am by putting all effort into nailing the right name.
I’m hardly alone in that respect. Think Bangin' Buns or Fu King Chinese would be the giants they are if their signs read differently?
I need an identity that will shout “Trendy!”—a beacon for the influencers who can bring a place that 16th minute of fame. The key is using the right buzzy words.
Research from my other business, Shaky Stats, leaves no doubt as to what those terms should be. I’m airing them here because of the ironclad rule that a restaurateur never, ever “borrows” an idea from a fellow operator. In this business, one’s intellectual property is sacrosanct.
Here’s what I’m thinking.
It has to contain “Biscuit.” You know, like Flying Biscuit, Buttered Biscuit, Butterfunk Biscuit, Biscuit Belly, Vicious Biscuit, Big Biscuit, Maple Street Biscuit Co. and the granddaddy of the naming convention, Biscuitville.
Most of them are entrants in the fast-growing breakfast-and-lunch-only sector, where there’s one giant—525-unit First Watch—and a host of small upstarts jockeying to give it a challenge.
They’re banking on the appeal of the Southern-style biscuit, still largely a novelty to those of us in the North and a staple of life on the other side of the Mason-Dixon line. It’s a universally desired product, but not one you’re likely to bake at home unless you’re feeding the kids’ whole school. It only makes sense in scale.
Plus, there’s enough skill required in the prep and baking to justify a steep mark-up for the finished product. Something that costs a place not much more than a dollar can be priced at several times that level. And it can be used as an accompaniment or the foundation for sandwiches.
Describe it as Smashed. A sleeper trend of 2024 has been the embrace of the smashed burger, a ground-beef patty smooshed down on the grill to give the meat a subtle crust. Jack in the Box sold out of its January entrant in two weeks. Maybe it could have borrowed a few sandwiches from Red Robin, Sonic, Mellow Mushroom and Big Daddy’s, among other converts. Even McDonald’s tweaked its recipe to put more of a sear on its patties.
Smashburger is responding to the upswing in competition by stressing in its marketing that it’s been smashing burgers for 17 years.
Work in “Swicy.” You’d have thought the trend would be on the wane by now. Instead, foods with a balance of sweetness and fire continue to appear on the menus of mainstream chains. Chipotle, for instance, tested a Chipotle Honey Chicken at about 80 stores this summer.
Our Aaron Judge of a food writer, Pat Cobe, reported last week that an emerging sub-trend is identifying which ingredient is mixed with honey to provide the “swicy” balance of sweetness and heat. She cites the use of harissa and habaneros.
That specificity may be too clunky to work into the name of our killer concept, so let’s go with the descriptive line, “Where everything is Scotch Bonnet scorched.”
It needs a geographic reference. The default choice right now is to go with Nashville, a la Nashville hot chicken, a Southern specialty that you can likely now get in all 50 states. Clearly that affiliation is overdone. You’re as likely to encounter the name “Nashville” on a menu as you are on a map of Tennessee.
So let’s go with something more distinctive. I’m thinking Duluth or Akron.
So there you have it, the next concept to give McDonald’s a run for its money: Romeo’s Swicy Duluth-style Smashed Biscuit.
Investors are advised to carefully read the prospectus before investing the kids’ inheritance. It’ll be ready as soon as I come up with a menu, design, business plan and leadership team. And take my meds, of course.