In a reminiscence for The New York Times, restaurateur Keith McNally noted how the ground rules for romance have changed in the business since he opened his first restaurant in 1980.
“Seeing as I met my two wives in restaurants (not simultaneously), I often wonder if I’d met them in today’s climate, would I have been forced to steer clear of them?” the proprietor of Balthazar, Pastis and Minetta Tavern wrote in an op-ed piece. The hint of an on-the-job relationship is a no-no today, he lamented—“as an owner, I’m legally bound to pour cold water on the idea the day someone new is hired.”
He’s not alone in thinking the best way to manage staff romances is to forbid them. But the realities of the business have convinced some restaurant operators that it’s foolish to just say no to Cupid.
“This is an industry where employees spend a lot of hours working together, in close proximity, and it’s sexy. Sparks and romance are going to fly,” said Kutina Ruhumbika, director of human resources for two-concept Barteca Restaurant Group.
“Most organizations try to fight it, to prevent the inevitable.” Their failure is even celebrated in a new TV series, "Love at First Bite," where couples from the business who went on to open their first restaurant are profiled on the program.
A few years ago, Barteca decided “to acknowledge that this happens—instead of saying you can’t do it, providing parameters so it’s safer for everyone.” It surrendered to romance, spurred by what it was hearing from employees, and seeing in practice.
The parent of Barcelona Wine Bar & Restaurant and Bartaco still discourages relationships between supervisors and subordinates, but the company doesn’t jump right to termination if romance blooms. “If it does happen and it’s a manager, that manager would be moved out of that location,” says Ruhumbika.
Nonmanagement staff members are free to date, provided they’re above board about it. The couple is “highly encouraged and required to let the HR department know,” says Ruhumbika. The policy also tends to verify that the relationship is consensual, she notes.
If the relationship ends, the employees are required to give a heads-up to their managers, so they can watch for any post-breakup friction.
The mandate holds for all types of relationships, same-sex or hetero.
Legally, the heads-up requirement is known as a love contract, says Denise Kay, an attorney who is now owner and senior consultant for Employment Practices Solutions, a firm that helps employers develop HR policies.
Love contracts came into wide play a number of years ago when employers realized they couldn’t prevent on-the-job attraction by including a ban in the employee handbook. At the same time, Kay said, some jurisdictions passed legislation that forbade employers from managing employees’ love life.
In Colorado, for instance, “you can’t necessarily prohibit people from dating,” says Kay. “You can manage it, but you have to know about it.”
Hence, the love contract.
But, Kay continues, the disclosure requirement largely fell into disuse because it, too, proved ineffective. “If it’s at the employee level, management is usually the last to know when someone’s dating,” she says.
Ruhumbika acknowledges that couples are sometimes reluctant to go public about their relationship, as much because of how co-workers might react as what the company will say. “We don’t have 100% [disclosure],” she says. “When it gets serious, that’s when they tell us.”
But, she continues, the open culture Barteca strives to cultivate has been a reassurance that people can speak up about their dating without fear of embarrassment or negative reaction. The policy has even become a recruitment and retention tool, she suggests.
“This is a business where you’re hiring a demographics that’s a little bit younger, so they say, ‘Wow, that’s cool. My last employer wouldn’t allow that,’” Ruhumbika says.
Barteca has encountered situations where former partners are bitter and angry after a breakup. “We always make sure we monitor how it impacts employees overall and the overall restaurant,” she says.
If there is a problem, a solution is hammered out after speaking with the parties. The upshot could be reassigning one person or the other so the two don’t come into contact.
The resolution is customized to the situation, says Ruhumbika. “I don’t think you can take a cookie-cutter approach to any employee situation.”
Yet matters can get complicated, says Kay. Will one former lover be moved to a station where the tips aren’t as good as before? Or maybe to a shift that’s slower? Will there be true equity for the parties in any solution that’s negotiated?
Still, she says, it’s not likely that lawyers will be summoned. “We have seen some false or malicious allegations of harassment in those situations, but it’s rare,” Kay says.
What policy are employers adopting to guarantee they won’t end up in court? “There is no standard approach that I’m aware of,” she says.
“We can’t govern how employees conduct themselves outside of work,” says Ruhumbika. Barteca’s approach is to ask them how they want to be treated on the job, and then accommodate them, she says. And that includes letting them handle relationships themselves.
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